The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

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Speaking up in the moment, advocating for yourself, and asking for what you need is uncomfortable. But what’s both uncomfortable and damaging is reaffirming the story that someone else’s feelings are more important or worthy than your own – which is what you do every time you swallow your healthy boundary in an effort to keep the peace. Ch. 7 When You Just Can't Walk Away: Setting Boundaries with Co-Parents - That was more in-depth than other books. The only issue I have with this book so far is that she keeps making these blanket statements that are biased and reference sexual orientation, it's starting to become annoying. Melissa Urban’s latest is the “guidebook” on boundaries a lot of readers will find relevant and useful. It’s written in a manner that is easy to follow, understand and apply but it’s also relatable and enjoyable to read as she shares both personal examples, as well as those of the individuals she worked with. She explains what boundaries are, why they matter and how to set and uphold them in various contexts (from workplace to friends, family and relationships). I truly enjoyed reading this book, in part because it’s obvious this book was written by someone who has done and continues to do the work on themselves and their relationship, as well as someone who thinks deeply about how this book might be experienced from very different perspectives. Do your relationships feel one-sided or unbalanced? Do you wish you could say no-nicely? Are you depleted, overwhelmed, and tired of putting everyone else's needs above your own? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you're ready to set some boundaries.

I get where Nancy is coming from. We (especially women) are often told that it’s selfish to put our own feelings and needs first. This is a common objection to boundaries: that setting them feels cold or punitive, like you’re building a wall between people and creating division. But remember, boundaries aren’t walls, they’re fences. And good fences make for good neighbors. Learning to state expectations upfront when dealing with food, alcohol, table talk, and other sensitive subjects A woman named Nancy recently sent me a message on social media: “I take a walk by myself every morning, for my own mental health. Lately, my elderly neighbor has been inviting herself along, waiting for me to come outside, then joining me. She’s very nice, and it’s clear she likes the company, but this is the only alone time I get in my day. How can I say no to her without feeling mean?” I have been looking into changing certain habits and thought patterns that don’t support me for a while now and as I read The Book of Boundaries I wondered if boundaries were the way to make changes with myself too. I was only halfway through the book and this thought built my excitement for the chapter about self-boundaries.The flip side is being able to set boundaries around questions that are intruding that I should be able to walk away from. The number of times Clinton and I were asked, “So when are you getting married?” and the times “kids” are hinted at is sadly a part of living in our society where these things are valued but at the same time, it is no one’s business. Like I learned in lesson 5, it is all in our time. No one can make us do anything. Now, in The Book of Boundaries, she shows you how boundaries are the key to better mental health, increased energy, improved productivity, and more fulfilling relationships. User-friendly and approachable, The Book of Boundaries will give you the tools you need to stop justifying, minimizing, and apologizing, leading you to more rewarding relationships and a life that feels bigger, healthier, and freer. In an effort to be understood, we have a tendency to overshare and over explain our decisions. I have done this many times in the past but it was only when Melissa laid out the consequences of such a move that I recognized that has happened to me too. I am learning to know my reasons for myself, particularly in situations where someone asks me to do something for them and I don’t want to. My only very minimal gripe is that I am still scared of some of these...confrontations (because some feel like it). Clearly, this is not the author's or the book's problem, but a sign of areas in which I need to work. However, it would be nice to have some tips on how to build confidence in the area of boundaries for these more difficult conversations.

Melissa Urban has written the playbook for creating connection, protecting our peace, and expanding our lives. At onceinsightful, personal, funny, and direct, The Book of Boundaries should berequired reading for anyone who has relationships with other humans.” —Ellen Vora, MD,psychiatrist and bestselling author of The Anatomy of Anxiety Setting healthy boundaries is good for your relationships, your business, and your finances. The Book of Boundaries shows you how to stand up for yourself, say no, and communicate your needs in a way that leaves you feeling confident and empowered. Through her stories, personal experiences, and research,Melissa Urban gives you the tools, affirmations, and language you need to reclaim your time, energy, and health.” —Tiffany Aliche, New York Times bestselling author of Get Good with Money Urban, for better or worse, is the creator of the The Whole30: The 30-Day Guide to Total Health and Food Freedom plan. She says this book was born partly out of helping herself and her clients comfortably say 'no' to dietary choices. Success there led to people asking for help with "their pushy co-worker, toxic mother-in-law, and nosy neighbor." She notes that her own upbringing ill-prepared her for setting healthy boundaries, and that learning how to set them saved her from a life, perhaps literally, as she was addicted to alcohol and drugs.

If you've struggled to identify and establish healthy boundaries - with family, in romance, at work, or in life - Melissa Urban shows the way forward with clarity, vulnerability, and humour' You are worthy of creating that safe space for yourself and reclaiming your rightful power, which you’ve been ceding to others for far too long. All that stands between you and feelings of ease, confidence, capacity, and freedom are a few carefully selected words, spoken with kindness from a place of self-care. The Book of Boundaries, pg 22 My thoughts: 📱7% 44:08 Part One: Boundaries Beginnings: Ch. 1 A Crash Course on Boundaries - I thought this was going to be the same ol same ol, but she got real personal. I asked Nancy how many mornings she might be willing to spend in her neighbor’s company—from zero days to every morning of the week. She replied that she’d enjoy walking with her once a week on the weekend, so I sent Nancy a script for her to use the following day: “Good morning! Hey, I’m going to start walking by myself again during the week. This is the only alone time I get, and I really need it for my mental health. Would you like to join me on Saturday morning when things are more relaxed?” Nancy loved the suggestion. This allowed them both to get what they wanted—some quality time when they’re both feeling relaxed, and the alone time Nancy needed to recharge during the busy work week.

Downsides are that the green, yellow, and red light system are somewhat simplistic, particularly in examples, and she doesn't show how altering the situation slightly or your own goals might change the framing of the response. I do appreciate that she notes: Too often, other people demand the deeply personal details of where we are in our lives. We don’t owe anyone answers, especially if we are struggling with those same questions ourselves. The Book of Boundaries, pg 283 What a book! I am confident that there is something in there for you. You are worthy of putting yourself first.Boundaries aren’t about controlling the other person, they’re about the limits you put in place around yourself to stay healthy and safe." scripts with language you can use to instantly establish boundaries with bosses and co-workers, romantic partners, parents and in-laws, co-parents, friends, family, neighbors, strangers—and yourself scripts with language you can use to set boundaries with bosses and co-workers, romantic partners, parents and in-laws, co-parents, friends, family, neighbors, strangers—and yourself The Book of Boundaries is a treasure chest of knowledge! Words like ‘boundaries’ and ‘privilege’ have become a common part of our everyday talk and I love that Melissa started the book by linking them together and defining what a boundary is and what it looks like. Melissa shares her personal experiences as well as her clients stories throughout the book and I found numerous situations that I could relate to or see myself coming across. While it is not possible to prepare for everything that happens to us, I believe that thinking about some things in advance gives me confidence and some foresight. Boundaries are established to help you plan and communicate your response to what other people say or do. In a healthy boundary practice, you’ll notice how other people’s behavior impacts you, communicate your healthy limit in relation to that behavior, then consider what you are willing to do to enforce that limit."

If you know you need to work on your boundaries, this is the perfect book for you. If you want to learn a new, practical skill in an easy to understand way, this is also the perfect book for you. And if you are looking to expand your reading into non-fiction waters, I also highly recommend this book!

Success!

Setting a boundary without explaining, justifying, or excusing, is a truly boss move, indicating that you’ve given this plenty of thought, you’re crystal clear on what you need, and you’re comfortable advocating for yourself. The Book of Boundaries, pg 39 In the first chapter itself it was clear to me that while I did grow up seeing my parents and friends enforce boundaries, it was always something that was modeled rather than talked about. It felt liberating to read about boundaries and realize where the responsibility lies and what they are for. Melissa says that boundaries are an essential life skill. I agree and I am thrilled to know so much about them now. If that just made you throw up in your mouth a little bit, you’re not alone. My research shows that the main reason people don’t set boundaries where they need them is that it’s so damn uncomfortable. I won’t try to pretend otherwise—I feel it, too. It’s not always easy for me to say no to an esteemed work colleague, to ask my husband for alone time, or to tell my parents, “I won’t discuss this with you further.” Speaking up in the moment, advocating for yourself, and asking for what you need is uncomfortable. But what’s both uncomfortable and damaging isreaffirming the story that someone else’s feelings are more important or worthy than your own—which is what you do every time you swallow your healthy boundary in an effort to keep the peace. Squishy boundary: eye roll, deep sigh, ignoring the question, or making a joke about it. Clear boundary: “I’d rather not talk about our bodies or weight today, thanks.”