The Viz Book of Crap Jokes: A Pitiful Array of Poor Quality Jokes from the pages of Viz

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Hugh Phemism – He is unable to communicate in anything other than circumlocutory language, leading to predictable misunderstandings. Bill WeetaBixby - a one-off parody of The Incredible Hulk about Bill Bixby who turns into a violent piece of Weetabix when he' is confronted by muggers, only for them to promptly step on him. Hurricane Heather (She Changes the Weather) – A girl who has a magic ring that is supposed to change the weather, but actually transports her to a desert island, while her ring ends up in the clutches of a fish (which Heather says is silly and ends the strip there.) Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe. Werner Hoffman, Munich .. Harry Quartz, Para-Dental Hygienist – A dental hygienist who patrols a war zone and drags injured soldiers away to have dental work done.

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One Cut Wally – a gents' barber who gives all his customers exactly the same haircut even when they asked for something else. Arsehole Kate – One-off parody of Keyhole Kate in which Kate instead likes to look up people's bottoms.

My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” – Phil Wang Nash Gordon – a futuristic benefits cheat who eventually gets found out when he goes to the benefits office planet instead of a driving range as a result of a dodgy sat-nav. Norbert Colon – an old miser. In one strip, Colon shared top billing with hopeless ventriloquist Boswell Boyce ("he throws his voice") and wound up in a lunatic asylum; in another strip he went on a blind date only to find the dating agency had fixed him up with his own mother ("Oh turds! It's that tightwad son of mine!"), a dead ringer for Norbert only wearing a (clearly labelled) NHS wig. One strip featured a parody of A Christmas Carol involving his ancestor Ebenezer Colon, who is exactly like him; suggesting Norbert's miserly ways are hereditary. Since the 1970's we have sent out over one million catalogues but stopped many years ago when everything moved online. If you are interested you can find out more about our history HERE. Bad Girl Ballet Borstal at the Bottom of the Sea – A girl is sent to an underwater borstal and forced to do ballet lessons all day. She discovers that the establishment is part of an elaborate scheme to send the borstal inmates to a zoo as food for tigers. The girl attempts to raise the alarm, but is trapped by the homicidal ghost of Rudolf Nureyev, with the strip abruptly ending on an explanation that had it continued she would have been miraculously rescued by police in a submarine.Robin Hood and his Merrie Men – Robin Hood plays overpriced, obviously rigged games at a funfair because Maid Marion insisted he win a stuffed toy for her. Bob Mortified - One-off strip in which Bob Mortimer goes fishing with Paul Whitehouse. After failing to catch a single fish, Mortimer is so embarrassed he bursts into tears; while Whitehouse decides he'd rather fish with Harry Enfield instead. Doctor Poolittle – a spoof of Doctor Dolittle depicting the title character severely constipated and attempting to learn how to defecate from zoo animals. After a lion roars at him, he soils his trousers. [9] Winning the lottery Wife: Do you think we'll win the lottery this week? Other people win it all the time, so why can't we?

God, You're Embarrassing – A strip which depicts God, embarrassing his son, Jesus in front of his disciples. Maxwell Straker – Record Breaker. Maxwell spends most strips making increasingly futile attempts to appear in the Guinness World Records, only to end up in a bad situation where he inadvertently gets his wish: such as falling into the world's longest coma, getting the longest ever prison sentence, or breaking the record for "the world's daftest cunt".Jamie Bond 007 – A child parody of James Bond. Rather than go with the plot that Jamie is just a regular child who is delusional about his secret agent alter ego and that his next door neighbour is not really a global villain out for world domination. The latter is indeed revealed to be one, whose plot Jamie foils and then makes his escape with the story's Bond girl. PC Plod – a police officer who carries a woven bag, wears sandals and is more concerned with the criminal's human rights than arresting them. Albert O' Balsam and his Magic Hat – A man who claims his hat has magic powers, but who annoys everyone he sees. Last-Minute Man – One-off strip where a man, despite having months to prepare, does not start Christmas shopping until 3:45pm on Christmas Eve resulting in him giving his family presents that he bought in a local garage. Christ on a Bender – a strip which depicts Jesus as a family man who keeps trying to escape the house to get "crucified" with his friends but is thwarted at every turn by his wife forcing him to stay home with her and look after their children.