Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have: And Why the Washing-Up Matters

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Separation brings with it so many complexities, from the practical to the deeply emotional. There are resources and groups to help you navigate this time, including:

Before she trained as a couples therapist, Harrison was a divorce lawyer, which sounds like a pretty sharp career swerve. “I was obviously drawn to work with relationships,” she says. “I think I realised that I was in the wrong forum, because I was just much more interested in the relationship stuff. Often people get into the legal forum to deal with their relationship stuff, but it isn’t necessarily a very helpful way of dealing with it. I started training as a couples therapist thinking it would make me a better divorce lawyer, but it made me realise I didn’t want to do that.” Couples can underestimate the impact that they have on each other as they switch between states of being together and being independent. Different attitudes to socialising, arguments about someone being on their phone, a row when one person gets home are not just “over-reactions”; they may actually be expressions of deeper sensitivities that need airing. “Why are you always on your phone?” may be a way of saying “I miss you” or “I need your help”. Sex – a.k.a an argument that’s difficult to haveFALSE The important thing isn’t whether you share a bed – it’s talking about why if you don’t, says Harrison. “Whether it’s down to snoring or young kids, sleeping in separate beds reduces the intimate time you get together. So you need to discuss how you can compensate.” Make love on the sofa in the evening when the kids have gone to sleep. If snoring has driven you to separate rooms, at least have your morning tea in bed together. Never go to bed on an argument While we can be so fearful about the impact of separation on children, it is parental conflict that causes the most damage rather than separation itself. In fact, for children where there has been high conflict previously, separation can feel like a relief. What happens when we bring a child into our dance? Either we ensure that our children get a steady rhythm, or they get pulled in a tug-of-war between us. Perhaps they become our dance partner, and their other parent is excluded from the dance. Or perhaps they have to learn complicated steps to keep up with us. This can be confusing, and leave them preoccupied with the dance rather than the crucial work of childhood – that of play, and dreaming, and building a sense of themselves in the world.

Most fights are horrible, but these entry-level spats, if you will, feel manageable. Buoyed by Harrison’s encouragement, I currently have five of my own, in various stages of their life cycle, on the go. I’m not sure what deeper truths they express, but they are:And being curious about them,” she says. “You really may not understand why [the dispute] is such an issue for your partner. You may think, why are they going on about this? But if you just think it’s silly to make such an issue out of it, you miss something important.” Her new book is an essential read for couples and individuals who are experiencing difficulties in their relationships – from how they communicate to what roles they take on and much more (including difficulties about the washing up!). FALSE It’s not date nights that matter, says Harrison, it’s time together. So you don’t have to spend money or go out or have a treat (though that might be lovely). The bit your relationship needs is time shared as a couple: snuggled together on the sofa watching TV or a walk in the park can be every bit as good as a pricey meal out. A baby will jeopardise your relationship Remember to comment on the good things – it flags up what works for you. If you like it when your partner takes the bins out, tell them! The little things add up.