He's Just Not That Into You: Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

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Greg, I Get It! by Traci, Age 25 Greg, I get it! I had two dates with a guy. On the second date we slept together. He said he would call me the next day (Tuesday) and he didn’t call me until the weekend. When he called, I told him that it was too late. He was stunned, but really, I don’t have time for that shit. It was the first time I had ever done anything like that and it felt great!

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The “He’s So Into Me That Now He’s Not” Excuse Dear Greg, I’ve been dating a guy for a month. We’ve had sex and it’s been nice. Just when it seemed like things were really “taking off,” we stopped having sex. I’ve stayed over at his house four times now and we end up just…sleeping. Some cuddling, but that’s about it. It’s weird, but sex just doesn’t happen anymore. It’s humiliating to have to ask him what’s going on, so I’m just going to assume that it’s actually because he’s really, really into me, and he’s just scared. Sally FROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear Just Cuddling, A month? A month?! Are you freaking kidding me? This should be the time when he’s getting comfortable enough to bring up the subject of outfits, positions, lotions, and anal. A month? The only thing he should be tired of is thinking of different ways to ravage you. And after only a month, he really wouldn’t be tired of that. Now, you can get up the nerve to ask him what’s going on—communication is never a bad idea. But my guess is that you probably already have - 16 - PDF / EPUB File Name: Hes_Just_Not_That_Into_You_-_Greg_Behrendt.pdf, Hes_Just_Not_That_Into_You_-_Greg_Behrendt.epub IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE GREG 100% of men polled said they have never vomited in the bed of a woman they were really into. (Apparently these guys don’t know how to have a good time.) Greg, I Get It! by Sandy, Age 33 I was dating this guy for a year and a half. We’d had a few conversations about marriage. One day I realized that all the conversations we’d had about marriage were started by me. “Sure,” he always replied, “you are my soul mate. I’m so passionate about you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone, blah, blah, blah.” When I’d asked him flat out, “Do you want to marry me?” he’d say, “Yeah, I would like to.” Then it dawned on me—I had never heard the words “I want to marry you” come out of his mouth. Literally, the day I had this revelation, I dumped him. Needless to say, I’m so much happier now dating guys who in the first week say, “Wow, I can’t believe you’re not married. You’re great.” Don’t Listen to These Stories Sure. There are the stories. Guys that get pursued by some girl first and she ends up being the love of his life; the guy that treats this girl that he sometimes sleeps with like shit for a couple of years, but she keeps at him and now he’s a devoted husband and father; the guy who doesn’t call a girl that he’s slept with for a month, and then calls her and they live happily ever after; the woman who is sleeping with the married guy who she ends up marrying and having a blissful long-term marriage with. We don’t want you to listen to these stories. These stories don’t help you. These stories are the exceptions to the rule. We want you to think of yourself as the rule. Thinking of yourself as the exception is what got you into this mess in the first place. Tell your friends to stop telling you these stories. Whenever you hear one of these stories, a story where some woman was treated badly but it all worked out okay in the end, just put your hands up to your ears and go “la-lala-la-la!” You are exceptional, but not the exception!!

This is What It Should Look Like, by Liz I know a successful businessman who used to get stoned every single night, and sometimes in the morning too. He dated women who didn’t like it, and he would try to cut down while he was dating them. One day he met the women of his dreams and she would have none of it. He stopped cold turkey and now spends his days completely sober and very happy with it. Standard Suggestions I will not go out with a man who hasn’t asked me out first. I will not go out with a man who keeps me waiting by the phone. I will not date a man who isn’t sure he wants to date me. I will not date a man who makes me feel sexually undesirable. I will not date a man who drinks or does drugs to an extent that makes me uncomfortable. I will not be with a man who’s afraid to talk about our future. I will not, under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me. I will not date a man who is married. I will not be with a man who is not clearly a good, kind, loving person. Now it’s your turn. Only you know the standards you haven’t set for yourself. Write them down. Don’t forget them. MY SUPER-HELPFUL STANDARDS THAT I WILL NEVER EVER FORGET OR FORSAKE NO MATTER HOW HOT I THINK HE IS: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

Okay so the dude who texts you vigorously every Friday night, if he only texts you every Friday night, yeah, he’s definitely not into you. Take to your heels lest you become the booty call. 7. “He’s just not that into you if he doesn’t want to marry you.” It’s So Simple What’s the big, nasty, awful shame, ladies? It’s okay to want to get married. And it’s okay to ask someone if they see themselves being married, or if they see themselves being married to you. Let me remind you: There are many, many men out there who want to be and are getting married; that’s why there’s so many florists, priests, and taffeta-makers out there. P.S.: Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you. The “But He’s Very Important” Excuse Dear Greg, You’re dumb. A guy who I’m going out with (who I asked out, Greg, by the way) is totally important and totally busy. He’s a music video director and travels and has long shoots and lots and lots of responsibilities. Sometimes when he’s working, I don’t hear from him for days and days. He’s really busy, Greg! Some guys are just really, really busy! Don’t you ever have really, really busy days? I’ve learned to live with it and not give him any shit, because I know that’s the price I pay for going out with someone really successful and hot and busy. Why are you telling these women to be so needy?! Nikki FROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear Nikki, Good to hear from you again. Well, not really. Listen, Nikki. Really busy is another way to say “just not that into you.” Totally important is another way to say, “you’re unimportant.” How great that you’ve “landed” someone that even you think is out of your league. Too busy and important to ask you out or call you—what a catch. Congratulations on your quasi-relationship! It must feel amazing to know that you’ve been programmed into the super hot and important busy guy’s cell phone, even if he never uses it to call you. You must be the envy of every woman he’s really dating. I’m about to make a wild, extreme, and severe relationship rule: The word “busy” is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word “busy” is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact, in every silo you uncover, all you’re going to find is a man who didn’t care enough to call. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want. - 11 -

This is What It Should Look Like, by Liz My friend met a guy who had just broken up with his girlfriend two weeks before, after living with her for three years. She thought that she was just going to be his “rebound” romance. He thought she may be that as well. But even though he could have used the excuse that he wasn’t ready yet, because he had “just gotten out of something,” he didn’t. Because he was really into her, he never let her feel that he wasn’t available to her. They are now in a serious relationship. It’s So Simple Sadly, I can’t be with you ladies all the time, fending off all the bad excuses, and, thereby, bad men that come your way. But what I can do is paint you a picture of what you’ll never see when you’re with a guy who’s really into you: You’ll never see you staring maniacally at your phone, willing it to ring. You’ll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you’re calling for your messages every fifteen seconds. You’ll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn’t have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no phone antics will be necessary. You’ll be too busy being adored. IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE GREG 100% of men polled who had “disappeared” on a woman said that at the time they were completely aware of what a horrible thing they were doing, and no woman calling them up and talking to them would have changed that. People tell you who they are all the time. When a man says he can’t be monogamous, you should believe him. Companionship is wonderful, but companionship with sex is even better. Call a spade a spade or, more fittingly, a friend a friend, and go find yourself a friend that can’t keep his hands off you. Your lost self-esteem may take longer to find than a new boyfriend, so prioritize accordingly. If you’re tempted to spend countless nights just cuddling with someone, buy a puppy. There’s someone out there that does want to have sex with you, hot stuff. - 18 - Reset Your Standards Sure, you say, “But I have standards.” Well, your standards led you to this book, so let’s raise them. Let’s set a dignified bar for you to exist at. Let’s put you in charge with how it’s going to go next time. (But you ask, “What if there isn’t going to be a next time?” And we say, “Stow that bad-news cargo on the sure-to-sink ship. Because that ship is about to hit Sad Island and we don’t want you on it.”) A standard is setting a level for yourself of what you will or won’t tolerate. You get to decide how it’s going to be for you. You can now design the person you want to be in the future, and the standards you want to have. Write your new standards down so you’ll never ever forget them, no matter how cute he is or how long it’s been since you’ve had sex. (Okay, we admit it, some of our workbook things were a little silly, but this one we mean.) Make sure you know what you stand for and what you believe in. And because we obviously think we know better than you (we got a book deal, didn’t we?), we’re going to give you some standard suggestions. - 42 -What is sometimes mean: I’m just not that into you. I’m just not that into you. A guy you should stay away from. I’m just not that into you. I’m just not that into you. I’m just not that into you. I’m just not that into you. This is What’s Hard about This One, by Liz In my life, I have had two men tell me that they had slept with someone else, in the beginning stages of our relationship. (In one case, it came to me in a dream, literally, and I confronted him. That really freaked him out.) Anyway, both times what I got from it was that these men wanted me to know that they could never be trusted. They were barely in the relationship and had already pulled the escape hatch. The beginning of two people getting together is such a fragile, tender time. There’s nothing like a big pail of Sleeping with Someone Else to put out the fires of a budding relationship. I personally would never be able to overcome that. So this isn’t really a tough one for me. Now, if I use my imagination, I could see that in the beginning, the lines are not that clearly drawn, the rules aren’t that firmly in place yet. Maybe it is the last fling before the final commitment. If it’s early in the relationship, it can be hard to know if the guy is just getting something out of his system and it’s a one-time thing, or if it’s a guy who’s just a big jerk. That’s the thing about dating—you’re having intimate experiences with someone who, at the end of the day, you don’t know very well. You don’t know his personal code of honor, you don’t have his dating rap sheet. You have to go by instinct, how much you care about him, and what he has to say for himself about it. All I can think is, how sad to be having that conversation in the beginning of things, when everything is supposed to be cozy and snugly and people are usually on their best behavior. If nothing else, I wish better for us all. I really do.