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Every parent’s dream is within your reach. In Parenting Siblings Without Rivalry, you will discover how to equip your kids with the right skills to manage conflicts on their own, so you won’t have to, how to prepare your children for a new arrival in the family, the essential family activity you should regularly schedule to defuse any issues before they escalate, why you shouldn’t treat your children equally, and how to treat them instead, how to handle your child’s feelings of jealousy when one child needs or gets more attention than the other, and more. Under such circumstances, it becomes very hard for parents to manage the kids together and while doing so they commit many mistakes that are seen to exert long term impacts on the kids both emotionally and psychologically.
Listen to each side. There will be two sides to each story in a sibling fight. Let each child feel like they are being listened to, without judgment or interruption. Often, children feel much better after venting to mom or dad about a problem, especially when they feel that they can state their position and it will be heard fairly. Children don't need to be treated equally. They need to be treated uniquely. Instead of giving equal amounts, give according to individual need. Instead of showing equal love, show the child he or she is loved uniquely. Instead of giving equal time, give according to need. (p81) For some reason, the blue train has been deemed “better,” but it can’t be in two places at once. Your daughters have a choice: They can share the blue train or lose it. Calmly present this choice, and let them decide. If the fighting persists, simply take the blue train away. If they come to a reluctant truce, remind them that any continued fighting will result in all of the trains taking a “time out.”
Before they start stating each side of story remind them to say what has happened versus "My sister is not nice to me". Ask siblings to find specific actions that made them upset. With only one child, the family's material and emotional resources belong to him or her alone. But when an additional family member appears the balance is disrupted. Family resources need to be redistributed and this creates competition among children. The authors give an interesting example of this to help us better understand the children's feelings. If you're a man, substitute "husband" for "wife" and "he" for "she" throughout the exercise.
How would you feel if your husband brought another wife into the family and promised to love you both equally? She may be younger, prettier and smarter than you. And as resentment grows within you, your husband says "Hey, be generous, her arrival doesn't diminish my love for you." Your husband may also ask you to share your daily necessities with his new wife, and when you two quarrel he says "Can't you just help her? She's new to our family." Then one day, when your husband has to leave the house for something, he instructs you to take care of her. Are you able to restrain yourself or are you eager to release your anger against her after your husband leaves? Do you have thoughts of taking revenge or even harming her? State each child’s case. “Let me get this straight. Jimmy, you need the crayons to finish your homework. And Amy, you want to finish coloring.” Encourage children to find these kind of win-win solutions every day. Later on leave up to them to brainstorm and negotiate the deal.
The best part for me was Afterword, because it discusses how to start off right with young siblings. My boys are only 1 and 4, and I read this when my youngest was still and infant. You see, I was already struggling with some sibling issues, and I wanted to do something about that early on. And this book helped me tremendously with that. Children often experience praise of a brother or a sister as a put down of themselves,” write Faber and Mazlish. “It’s a good idea to save our enthusiastic comments for the ear of the deserving child.” In other words, by making comparisons (even when favorable), we are not helping at all. On the contrary, we merely contribute to the already-existing rivalry between the siblings. Use descriptions instead — of the feelings when the comparison is favorable, and of the problem when it is not. The mind of children is like a mass of wet clay. You can mold it in whichever way you want. It is up to you what kind of adults do you want them to be. Sibling rivalry is not a cofunction of the age. That means, it is not small kids only who consider their siblings as their enemies. Effective parenting is one of the key strategies to secure the wellbeing and good future of your kids.
Your kids are going to fight. It’s probably not your fault, but if the fighting is excessive or truly disrupting household harmony, it’s time to take a look at how conflicts are modeled and resolved in your family. On the other hand, I also love a good nature fix. The weekend before we head to Bergen aan Zee for a day at the beach. We arrived after lunch and were enjoying ourselves so much we stayed as late as we could. The minute we arrived at the beach, the sand, the sun, and the sea air were instantly “a happiness oplader”, in my daughter’s words (Excuse the English and Dutch mix – an oplader is a charger usually for batteries). An apt description, don’t you think? Express confidence in the children’s ability to find their own solution: “I know you two will be able to work it out.” Instead of comparing one child unfavorably to another, (“Why can’t you hang up your clothes like your brother?”) speak to the child only about the behavior that displeases you.praise good behavior through overhearing audible conversation b/w parents "hey [spouse], did you know that Danny taught Sam how to use a chair today?" Prevent and Solve (New Baby, School Age, Twin, …) Sibling Rivalry. The Practical Guide to Raising Best Buddies and ... Sanity (Effective & Peaceful Parenting) Bottom line: The examples in the book are obvious, generic and dated. Constant references to "daddy's little girl", "he's the creative one", or "this one's the oldest, this one's the middle, and he's the baby" leave parents with the impression that no matter what you do or say to or about your kids, you will scar them irreparably. Practical techniques were too few and long term strategies were not apparent for how to redirect or counsel children in conflict. Find a more modern book that factors in the impacts of technology and social media. There are often small ways you can adjust your parenting techniques to promote better cooperation between your kids. And if you need more help, you can reach out to your pediatrician or a family therapist for more tips. An easy to read book that is filled with valuable practical advice from workshops. Sometimes it sounds as if the prescriptions are too obvious and easy. However they are hard to implement consistently and correct previous behavioral habits.
Children don’t want to be treated equally. They want to be — and should be — treated uniquely. So, try to focus on each of your children’s individual needs, and always allocate your time appropriately. Sometimes, this might mean spending more time with one of the siblings, but that is something you shouldn’t worry about. Needs are temporary, and some are more immediate than others. “By valuing and being partial to each child’s individuality,” write Faber and Mazlish, “we make sure that each of our children feels like a number one child.” Your 3-year-old son “accidentally” sits on his 2-month-old baby brother while he’s lying on a play mat. When you ask your older son what happened, he says, “I don’t like the baby! I don’t want him to live here anymore.” The common thread in these scenarios is that you, as the parent, are taking the role of sideline advisor, not on-the-field referee. When encouraging conflict resolution between your kids, it’s important to: The #1 New York Times best-selling guide to reducing hostility and generating goodwill between siblings.After my round up of the book “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen”, one of the parents kindly asked when I was going to do one for “Siblings Without Rivalry”. It was a great idea. So I am pleased to be able to point you all to my guest blog post on the Child Led Life blog here: http://www.childledlife.com/2014/09/siblings-without-rivalry-simone-davies-jacaranda-tree-montessori.html. Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life” by Dr. Laura Markham. It introduces ways to not only support sibling friendships but also support individual kids’ needs. bully and victim : our task would be two fold. Free the bully to be compassionate and free the victim to be strong. Always encourage siblings to be a team . Even if they loose - it won't be against each other. Avoid competition games between
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