Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

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Oooh yes! I was the OW and didnt know bc a-hole was separated from her for a year (cheated on her their entire 28 year marriage) and living with a relative. I found out after marriage stbx 53, Im 37 that he lies about everything…his kids, exes, finances, clothes, the sky…anything. He dated 2 women before me and they didnt care, but he lied to me and his family like he was divorced. Our first Christmas, his 21 year old daughter was with his family and I, but didnt say a word. He stays private, so people cant put dates together in their head. OK, help me out, CN. Here’s the text message I got from her last night: “I wish you hadn’t gone to a lawyer, because now I have to have one. Money. I thought we didn’t have anything to dispute. Now since you left out the retirement acct I guess I need a lawyer. Since I’m not asking for child support do I really need to pay your loans? I could get child support I’m sure, but why don’t I not and you pay your loans? Do we need a lawyer for all this? honestly communicate/express feelings/work together to resolve inevitable conflicts of sharing life with a partner

To any men out there reading this you need to read what Chumplady says and fight for what is legally yours. If your spouse cheated on you DO NOT just roll over and give her everything as if you did something wrong. Think about your future and your kids (if you have any) future. The parent who did not do the cheating is more than likely the parent who is going to be responsible for all of the child’s expenses (including college) because they other one is to busy thinking about themselves. By you giving your soon to be former spouse everything you are sacrificing your childs future (and your own). SIMPLY DO NOT DO IT! A friend of mine nailed it this weekend while we were talking about my baby. She asked what ex would do if, in some distant time from now, I met someone and the kids wanted to call him dad. I said I’d get a helmet and telescope, because the debris and pyrotechnics of ex’s head exploding would be seen from space. Even though I have no time/interest in dating now, she brings up a good point. Even if they don’t call him dad, which I’d support, I wonder how it will feel to a narc like him when someone else takes his place as a decent partner for me and decent parent for my little ones…When it comes to cheating, a lot of the attention is focused on cheaters - their unmet needs or their challenges with monogamy. But Tracy Schorn (aka Chump Lady) lampoons such blameshifting and puts the focus squarely on the cheated-upon (chumps) and their needs. Full of solid advice that champions self-respect, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life offers a fresh voice for chumps who want (and need) a new message about infidelity. This book will offer advice on stupid sh*t cheaters say and how to respond, rookie mistakes of the recently chumped and how to disarm your fears, why chumps take the blame and how to protect yourself, and more. Hell, I even got a wake up slap from Chumplady when I was debating weather to cut my X off of alimony. She made some very valid points which are the same ones I mentioned above! Our thesis is that the woman who “loses” her mate to another woman will go through a period of post-relationship grief and betrayal, but come out of the experience with higher mating intelligence that allows her to better detect cues in future mates that may indicate low mate value” has the nerve to pass by my house when she cant find him or doesnt respond to her calls/texts. Fool…this is who he is?!? I can’t blame myself any more that you can blame yourself. You can’t force comfort on a person. You tried and he refused to accept it. How is that on you?

So very true, and the study only focuses on women. However I can tell you first hand from the male perspective being cheated on is identical. The problem that I am seeing is most men just give up during the proceedings. I have no clue why but even if the woman did the cheating they just seem to say ok take what you want and get this over with. However multiple D days are for chumps. If your partner cheats, gets caught, sees the pain s/he has caused you then does it again? You are then married to a narcissist. It will not get better you will just be more hurt. You need to go. buy this book NOW. You need to stop being a chump and move on right away. Yes, my husband left me. Yes, my husband went to be with a woman with whom he had engaged in a relationship outside of our marriage for about 17 months. THE END. I had nothing to do with this. I was impacted traumatically for it, but I did not cause it. biodads are over rated. as long as your child has a healthy male role model bio dad means nothing. my children have my wonderful dad. the first born never saw her bio dad and never missed him either. child 2 and 3 only had bio dad for a little while, he was gone before they were 3 and 1 so they also did not miss him. child 4 and 5 had bio dad for years, until they were 8 and 12. he was actually pretty active in their lives, attentive and everything. (when he was home) i thought he was a good daddy (not great but good). my other 3 kids considered him as dad also.When I read this article in the news last week, I wanted to fist bump the researchers who put it together. It was something I’ve been trying to tell myself since all this shit happened to the point where it felt like a silly platitude, but it feels good to have it reaffirmed by sience! Hence, in the long-term, she “wins”. The “other woman”, conversely, is now in a relationship with a partner who has a demonstrated history of deception and, likely, infidelity.

That’s how I feel exactly. In fact, it wasn’t even the cheating that bothers me to this day. It’s that he left me during cancer. And that is just one example of him not showing up for life events. I’m a woman going through this and am always aware of the behavior I’m modeling for my girls (and hopefully for my sons), and I don’t know the statistics on whether more men leave women due to affairs or vice versa. But the societal acceptance of infidelity that only seems to exacerbate each gender’s role in it needs to change. Our daughter broke her collar bone. I took her to urgent care. He texted me for updates while he sat at home.

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If The 40 Year Old Toddler ever gets and keeps a new job, I bet the whore will be sweating like a… well like a whore in church whenever he mentions meeting (or even better, actually liking) female co-workers. And I hope she can dance pretty, though if he gave up his entire life to be with her, throwing her over for another side piece would probably be a breeze. But then the same can be said for her. She didn’t give up anything but a little thing like respectability, which she didn’t have much of in the first place. Tracy, I saw a lot of your observations in this article. RIC still influences these studies as there was some subtle influence of that interspersed in the text. I lost my job shortly after the wedding. Did he comfort me? Nope. In fact 8 years later he listed that as one of the many bad things that happened during our marriage that made it too hard to continue. They need both parents to model cooperative and companionable behavior, but if one parent can’t, the other has to fill in those shoes. I got my older son involved with Big Brothers Big Sisters because I recognize how much he needs a positive male role model in his life and that he won’t get that from his dad.

Point out what’s wrong with your partner. If your issues are called out, refer to what’s wrong with your partner. Repeat. Mine did the same thing. Mediation was a perfectly fine choice for us (CA no-fault law, 50/50 splits, no kids, more or less equal assets going in and coming out), but I’m still going to get an attorney to review the settlement and advise me. I may not even do anything with the advice, but it’s best to have the full picture. When I told him I would be getting an attorney to review the settlement (never mind I already have one on retainer) all of a sudden it was “I thought we were not getting lawyers and I’m being so generous, and if your attorney asks questions well this whole agreement is shot.” Basically like a classic Narc… his way is the way to do things and if I think something different, well I will be punished and put in line. Which is not how negotiation works. There is the law, and then we can negotiate around what the law says. But at the end of the day I can and should make sure my interests are protected.

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PDF / EPUB File Name: Leave_a_cheater_gain_a_life_-_Tracy_Schorn.pdf, Leave_a_cheater_gain_a_life_-_Tracy_Schorn.epub Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life is a no-nonsense self-help guide for anyone who has ever been cheated on. Here's advice not based on saving your relationship after infidelity -- but saving your sanity. My ex also blamed me for not attending his brother’s wedding. My cousin got married on the same day so I thought splitting events was the fair thing to do. In hindsight I probably should have gone to his brother’s wedding, but I was so caught up in being fair. But all it would have taken is him saying that it upset him. He had months to voice his opinion but he didn’t. How unfair to blame something on a person and hold a grudge for years without giving them a change to correct it or even make up for it.